During my sexual development, I explored with self induced anal stimulation and penetration while masturbating. I used my soapy fingers in the shower. I discovered the incredible pleasure of sensual touching on the outside and what it felt like to finger myself. Once I felt this type of pleasure, I could not ignore it. However, I never initially took my exploration further than just rubbing on the outside and finger fucking before jerking off. I did this for several years and took it no further with myself or anyone. Consequently, I had yet to discover the anal orgasm.
Eventually I wanted to try fucking myself with something bigger, longer and more real than my finger. I didn't think about what caused my desires...just that I was very curious about pleasure. Due to being very protective of my "different" desires and my public image, I determined the best play toy would be a hot dog. They could be easily purchased and no one would suspect anything. My reasoning was a hot dog is a phallic-like object and came in various lengths and thicknesses.
Although I explored several times with hot dogs for simulated "cock sucking", I recall the first few times I fucked my hole with it. I liked the feeling of it pressing on and teasing my hole. I enjoyed the sense of accomplishment when I stretched open for it. I liked feeling it slide in and out, even though it somewhat paralized me while it happened.
The "big" moment came one day when I did not expect it. I was naked and began fucking myself with a wet hot dog. I began going deeper than before and was set on going as long as I could. I was laying face down, pumping my hole with the hot dog; feeling irregular breathing and slight moaning. My cock was hard and my body position made me grind my cock on the bed. Once I was able to take it deep enough, I felt the hot dog hitting a spot that felt so good. My body was restless and tense, but experiencing new pleasure that I did not know, but loved feeling. All I had to do to keep feeling that good was to continue fuck myself.
Within 30 seconds I felt an orgasm coming and it took me completely by surprise. I kept fucking myself and knew I was going to cum. As my muscles began to contract...I felt my hole tighten around the hot dog. It was an unreal, new pleasure. Then my cock began to shoot cum and the muscle contractions were so intense. I kept pumping the hot dog in and out during the entire orgasm. Afterwards...I lay there exhausted, surprised and drained.
That initial experience led me to include anal stimulation most times when I masturbate. The anal orgasm is always so intense. Interestingly enough, it's still difficult to reveal to a woman that I want to be fucked by a strap-on. Yet, so many bi and gay men are eager to talk to me about it and love the idea of "turning me out".
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Exploration of Sucking
In my 20's, I had reached a point where my desires for cock made me curious to experiment with sucking on something similar to a cock, but not the real thing because I was not at a point to try it for real. I desired something phallic in shape that I could get a better feeling of what it may really be like. Since I didn't have a way to buy sex toys, I came up with the idea of using hot dogs. They were easy to buy and no one would suspect anything. I bought ones that were close in thickness to a real cock and about 7 inches long.
I remember my first time...the excitement from opening the package and feeling the hot dog in my hands in a way I never did before. Seeing its length and shape. Knowing what I was going to do. I was naked and went into my bedroom and layed face down on the bed. I imagined a hot, hung man in my bed laying on his back with his cock tempting me. He stared at me like there was no escape. I stared back...not with fear...but with a look of conviction and that I was going to suck his cock for him. I placed the hot dog before my face as if it was his erect cock. I stared up at him and began licking the shaft. Then, I closed my eyes and began sucking it. Bobbing down and up in a rhythmic motion feeling it fill my mouth. The sensation aroused my cock and I began to grind it on the bedspread. I felt so hot doing this. It was safe, private and fun and I was in my own world of fantasy. Instantly it became a desire to deep throat the "cock". I practiced for a few minutes and quickly became acquainted with some gagging, but I was able to hold it in deep for a few seconds. I finished by laying on my back, sucking on the hot dog and stroking to orgasm.
After cumming, it gave me an experience that allowed me to feel I could safely repeat this activity in private and just explore myself. I also began exploring "deep throat" techniques because I did not like gagging and I liked the idea of trying a longer "cock".
Over time, I purchased longer hot dogs and up to 12 inch long sausages. I eventually was able to deep throat the 12 inch sausage and hold it in for about 5 seconds. Since it was flexible and not too thick, it was not that difficult. It's a very intense feeling and the challenge and accomplishment can motivate the mind like never before.
I remember my first time...the excitement from opening the package and feeling the hot dog in my hands in a way I never did before. Seeing its length and shape. Knowing what I was going to do. I was naked and went into my bedroom and layed face down on the bed. I imagined a hot, hung man in my bed laying on his back with his cock tempting me. He stared at me like there was no escape. I stared back...not with fear...but with a look of conviction and that I was going to suck his cock for him. I placed the hot dog before my face as if it was his erect cock. I stared up at him and began licking the shaft. Then, I closed my eyes and began sucking it. Bobbing down and up in a rhythmic motion feeling it fill my mouth. The sensation aroused my cock and I began to grind it on the bedspread. I felt so hot doing this. It was safe, private and fun and I was in my own world of fantasy. Instantly it became a desire to deep throat the "cock". I practiced for a few minutes and quickly became acquainted with some gagging, but I was able to hold it in deep for a few seconds. I finished by laying on my back, sucking on the hot dog and stroking to orgasm.
After cumming, it gave me an experience that allowed me to feel I could safely repeat this activity in private and just explore myself. I also began exploring "deep throat" techniques because I did not like gagging and I liked the idea of trying a longer "cock".
Over time, I purchased longer hot dogs and up to 12 inch long sausages. I eventually was able to deep throat the 12 inch sausage and hold it in for about 5 seconds. Since it was flexible and not too thick, it was not that difficult. It's a very intense feeling and the challenge and accomplishment can motivate the mind like never before.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Gay Seduction, Conversion and Recruitment
One of the things I discovered while talking to bi and gay Tops in chatrooms, is their excitement about having sex with first-timers and converting straight/curious men into either being bisexual or gay. They considered the seduction and conversion to be a very powerful rush and a strong motivation. This fascinated me and even took my fantasies to a different level. Imagine...knowing there were men that specifically targeted men like me and wanted to cause a permanent change to my sexual orientation. It excited me in a way I did not expect. I thought "Is that possible?...Can men actually cause another man to turn bi or gay?" Could a guy like that turn me...a consistantly confident, masculine alpha male that appears conservative and straight...into being bi or gay? The possibility intrigued me. I wondered what they did or said to cause that effect. I discovered they specifically looked for men that gave off signals of envying them due to their looks, confidence, and body. They also looked for men that appeared shy with women. Once they noticed the envy or shyness, they engaged in skillful conversation to knock a guy mentally off balance and intrigue his hidden desires. It may take some time to do, but it could be done. It was simple psychology. Suggest, enable and control. The mental aspect of Domination/control immediately became a part of my sexual interests.
With that information, my gay fantasies became more erotic. They involed me falling "prey" to a Top man. Being skillfully seduced and experiencing the type of mental and physical pleasure that would alter my sexual orientation and keep me hooked. It was the ultimate...be lured and seduced down a path that mainstream society says "do not go"...then being converted. To experience deconstruction of ego and some humiliation made me very hot.
RESEARCH
The motives and desires of these Top men prompted me to search the web for any information I could find on this type of behavior (i.e. gay conversion, recruitment, etc). I searched for groups, cults, secret clubs, etc. Anything to do with converting straight men. I discovered various "terms", such as Homosexual/Gay Agenda, Gay Mafia, and web sites about this topic. Some were serious and some comical, but the idea and purpose were the same. The ones I found the most intriguing are listed here.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Frustration and Inferiority Complex
One of the impacts I experienced by looking at naked women, lesbian and straight porn is that I became sexually frustrated. Yes, I masturbated daily, but seeing all those sexy women and all I could do was fantasize about them. I was never very good at pursuing women for anything. Usually only friendships developed or they were not interested. The combination of these and other things I experienced growing up created an inferiority complex, etc. I began to feel women were unatainable. Looking at gay porn and visiting gay chatrooms became an alternative to the frustration.
Also, the majority of men in straight porn were well built and hung. This made me believe that women wanted only the type of men in the porn scenes, which were men that I envied physically and for their abilities to "capture" a woman. That envy kept me even more intrigued by these men. What did they have and what did they know to get these women? Although it was a fictitious porn scene...it messed with my thinking.
Also, the majority of men in straight porn were well built and hung. This made me believe that women wanted only the type of men in the porn scenes, which were men that I envied physically and for their abilities to "capture" a woman. That envy kept me even more intrigued by these men. What did they have and what did they know to get these women? Although it was a fictitious porn scene...it messed with my thinking.
Gay Porn and Chatrooms
Once able to surf the net, I searched for gay porn on a daily basis. It was as if I could never see enough. I wanted to see muscular, toned bodies...a big cock, etc. I wanted to see men that made me question my sexuality and/or ability to resist. Not only did I view pictures, but I began (both voluntarily and involuntarily) associating my arousal and pleasure with gay sex. For those that are into the mental aspect of sex; behavior modification, deconstruction, mind fucking, conditioning...I'm sure you know about this.
I saved pics of all types (oral, anal, bondage, white men, black men, etc) so that I could view them again and masturbate. I was becoming desensitized, more focused on my desire for cock and addicted to the taboo.
I also found and wandered into gay chat rooms (gay.com). This is where I started to spend my weekday evenings. I chatted with Dominant/Top men that understood my desires and were on the prowl to find a "bottom". They were more than happy to enable me and watch me fill with fascination. Some were very cool, intelligent, decent men that kept me intrigued. They knew what I fantasized about and what to say to keep me in a conversation. These conversations opened my mind to other gay sex activies like: domination, control, seduction, cock worship, ego deconstruction, erotic humiliation, dick slapping, deep throat, face fucking, ball worship, bondage, getting fucked, cum, massages, interrogation, mind games, wrestling, etc.
I saved pics of all types (oral, anal, bondage, white men, black men, etc) so that I could view them again and masturbate. I was becoming desensitized, more focused on my desire for cock and addicted to the taboo.
I also found and wandered into gay chat rooms (gay.com). This is where I started to spend my weekday evenings. I chatted with Dominant/Top men that understood my desires and were on the prowl to find a "bottom". They were more than happy to enable me and watch me fill with fascination. Some were very cool, intelligent, decent men that kept me intrigued. They knew what I fantasized about and what to say to keep me in a conversation. These conversations opened my mind to other gay sex activies like: domination, control, seduction, cock worship, ego deconstruction, erotic humiliation, dick slapping, deep throat, face fucking, ball worship, bondage, getting fucked, cum, massages, interrogation, mind games, wrestling, etc.
The Lure of Gay Sex
In my teenage years (80's), I had access to pornographic magazines, such as Hustler, Cheri, Oui, etc. As any normal teenager, I would masturbate while viewing females in the pictures. Because I was not able to buy new magazines, I had to view the same women everytime. Eventually, it became mundane, so I began browsing the back pages and discoverd ads with gays and transexuals. I wasn't thinking about right or wrong...I was simply consumed by curiousity. One gay photo stood out and caught my eye. It showed two fairly muscular, smooth men. One was standing in front of the other and he had a long, thick, erect cock. The other was kneeling and performing oral sex. The combination of seeing two masculine, built men having sex, as well as seeing one man having sexual control over another...is what started my curiousity. Little did I know what it would lead to.
Soon after, my fantasies and masturbation desires included a curiousity to suck cock. I felt it was wrong and obviously told noone, but it also gave me that "rush" and excitement because of the taboo. Throughout the rest of my teens and early 20's, I continued to have both straight and gay fantasies. For the purposes of this blog, I will not discuss my straight submissive desires, unless someone is interested. I'm more interested in sharing/discussing my gay submissive desires.
I enjoyed scenes where I was lured/seduced into sucking cock and not able to resist. I became very excited at the idea of a superior man having sexual control over me. I developed an envy for men with superior physiques and bigger cocks. Men who had their choice of women, but preferred the rush of "breaking" a straight or curious type. I had these fantasies on and off for several years, but never tried anything real.
A few years after college, I relocated to the west coast. I lived alone and had a normal life with a balance of work and fun. I recall going a few times at night to the local liquor store to buy straight porn mags...ones I knew also would have gay ads, etc. That satisfied me for a year or so, but then in 1997, I bought a computer and signed up for internet access. I knew I would be able to view porn, but I had no idea how easily I would be seduced by it and what new fantasies it would provoke.
Soon after, my fantasies and masturbation desires included a curiousity to suck cock. I felt it was wrong and obviously told noone, but it also gave me that "rush" and excitement because of the taboo. Throughout the rest of my teens and early 20's, I continued to have both straight and gay fantasies. For the purposes of this blog, I will not discuss my straight submissive desires, unless someone is interested. I'm more interested in sharing/discussing my gay submissive desires.
I enjoyed scenes where I was lured/seduced into sucking cock and not able to resist. I became very excited at the idea of a superior man having sexual control over me. I developed an envy for men with superior physiques and bigger cocks. Men who had their choice of women, but preferred the rush of "breaking" a straight or curious type. I had these fantasies on and off for several years, but never tried anything real.
A few years after college, I relocated to the west coast. I lived alone and had a normal life with a balance of work and fun. I recall going a few times at night to the local liquor store to buy straight porn mags...ones I knew also would have gay ads, etc. That satisfied me for a year or so, but then in 1997, I bought a computer and signed up for internet access. I knew I would be able to view porn, but I had no idea how easily I would be seduced by it and what new fantasies it would provoke.
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